The Story Post

Hello fellow readers of my blog. It's Bee and I'm back. I know I left and I was gone for a long time and I asked my friend to continue the blog, but he was so caught up that he couldn't. That's understandable. If I really had the heart for you guys, I would have been here everyday writing encouraging things but instead I was a coward and ran from my problems. I moved away from Tennessee, but I am back now in hopes at starting over. I've decided to start blogging again because my life is back on track thanks to a certain few people (Mr. Evans, Kayla, and Georgia -- thank you so much for the encouragement and whatnot. I appreciate it.) I feel terrible for writing so much and then leaving and not posting for the longest time.

To explain myself: I don't exactly know why I left. I know I was depressed and suicidal and causing self-harm. I was so fed up with wanting to change the world when really, I couldn't change the world until I changed myself. I turned to all the wrong things. I hoped that cutting myself with a razor would help. I hoped that starving myself until I couldn't stand it anymore would help. I was wrong. These things just made it worse. I turned to multiple things and hated myself even more when none of them seemed to solve my problems.

One day, I was talking to my friend Brett on the phone. We got really deep into a conversation and I came out about self harm and everything that was wrong with me. He said that I was beautiful and didn't need to harm myself or starve myself or anything I had been doing. I cried when he said I needed serious help. The next day, I moved back to Tennessee and immediately went to visit Mr. Evans, the counselor at my high school.

I'm so happy to say that everything is back to "normal" now. I don't do anything I used to and I talk to people about my feelings now. It turns out, the things I was trying to stop were the exact things I was doing to myself to resist reality.

I'm about to post a blog about the media. I have to write it and jazz it up. I didn't want to post something without telling my story. I didn't want those of you that actually read this to be like "Woah, where'd she come from?" I didn't want to just appear and not tell you how my life was changed.

It's the simple things that can save a life. It's the simple compliments that you go out of your way to tell someone. It's the encouragement you give. It's the love you show. These things can help someone know they are worth something. It's these things that helped me come back to reality. It's these exact things that made me realize that my life was worth living and that I didn't need to harm my body.

Love Bee. (:

Gone

It's sad when the person you love just runs off. That's what Bee did. She gave up. She left good ole Tennessee. She went to live with her dad. She hated her mom anyway. It's sad, though. She was my best friend. She didn't even tell me she was leaving. She sent me a letter in the mail yesterday and the first thing that was written on it was 'I've always loved you. I just need to start over.'

I've cried for a good week now, ever since she left. She ended the note she left me by saying 'Even though I am a failure at making a difference in this world, maybe you can.' After that was the username and the password for this blog. I've decided to take over until Bee gets her life in order.

It's taken me a while to get used to the fact that I'm actually going to be posting stuff on this site. I've just now decided that I actually can do it and that it's probably what Bee wants me to do.

I don't know how it works. I don't think my writing can compare to that of Bee's. I could write random stuff and I don't think it would be anywhere close to being as good as Bee's was.

I have hope that sometime in the future Bee will be back and she will succeed at changing the lives of the people that take the time to read this blog. I read all of her posts today and I am still convinced that nothing compares to the works of Bee. I might not write as well as her, but I can try. I am doing this for Bee and hopefully by doing this, I will become closer to her.

Bee, if you're out there reading this and keeping up with what I plan to post on it, I want you to know that I've always loved you too. You are my life. I didn't ge to say goodbye, but for now I will say "See you later."

I'll end it like Bee always does.

Love,
Conner

Eye-Opening and Life-Changing

I’ve been told my entire life to never take anything for granted. Time after time  I would go on church trips and the saying “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” has been nailed into my brain. I’ve never really paid any attention to the quote. I’ve never had a reason too. I’ve spent the past few hours in the hospital and it’s given me a reason to really pay attention to that saying.

            A few weeks ago my great grandmother broke her hip when she fell in the nursing home. They took her to the ER and she had hip surgery. She had been recovering for two weeks and she was healing pretty well. She was out of it, though. She didn’t recognize any of her children, grandchildren, or great-grand children. I would sit for hours with her at the home she was staying at. I would listen to her crazy stories about how she went to West Tennessee and she almost missed the bus back home. My great-grandmother and I have always been pretty close and when my mom got the phone call this morning that she was being rushed to the ER, I was surprised. It turns out that she was unresponsive, she was shaking uncontrollably and randomly twitching, and she had no control over her body movements or bowels. My mother immediately took me to the hospital so we could be with her.

            We watched as my great-grandmother’s blood pressure shot from really low to really high – never normal for someone her age. We watched as she shook in pain, angry at herself that she could not make her shaking and twitching stop. We watched as she cursed, not knowing where she was. We watched as my grandfather bawled because his mother was in so much pain.

            So far we know that she has pneumonia in her left lung, has some sort of unknown infection in her body, and she will have to stay at the hospital until Wednesday. If she shows improvement, she will go back to that oh-so-smelly nursing home that she hates. If she shows no improvement, she’ll have to stay in the hospital.

            I’ll never forget the one thing she told me before she ever broke her hip. She said, “I don’t care where I am, my life will always be miserable. All I can do is trust in God and know that when we die, He will be waiting for us with open arms.”

            The thought that I could lose my favorite person in the entire world just breaks me. I hope and pray that she gets better. I don’t want her to die.

            All in all, this has been a very eye-opening, life-changing experience for me.

            Love, Bee.

 Have you ever had an eye-opening, life-changing experience? Tell me about it. 

A Random Compliment...

I haven’t blogged in a week or so because I’ve been angry. I don’t like writing when I’m angry. What made me so angry? I don’t have an answer to that question. I’ve hated life for the past few days. Absolutely hated it. I wanted to quit reality and stay in my room forever. But, that couldn’t happen because of school.

            School saved me. The one thing that made me feel happier about life was a compliment. A simple compliment from a random girl. She went out of her way to compliment me, out of all people. She walked over to my lunch table, stood across from me, and said, “You’re really pretty.” I’d never talked to her. She’s one of those girls that looks kind of snobby and doesn’t talk to any underclassmen.

            Being told I was pretty really lifted my spirits for some reason. That was yesterday, and today I’m in a much better mood than I have been in the past week.

            I’m keeping it short today, but I promise to write more soon!

What’s been going on in your life recently?

Love, Bee! 

What's on Your Mind?

I haven't asked a question for those of you that actually read these things to answer. I realize that the whole point of this blog was to let your voice be heard. It was supposed to be a place for people to come and just talk. Lately, I've just been venting about my opinion on things. (Sorry if that bored you.) So now, I shall post a blog that has a question for you to answer. 

If you have a Facebook, you know that there is a box that says "What's on Your Mind"? Here is where you can post your status. Some people like to post their status every time they move. Some people post lyrics to their favorite song. Some people barely ever change their status. 

I think that the question "What's on Your Mind" is a great question. I don't ever change my status because I don't want people to know what's really on my mind. I usually have a lot on my mind and I don't think people really have the time to sit around and read every single thing that is on my mind.

So, What's on your mind? 

If Perfect is What You're Searching For, Then Just Stay the Same.

"There's not a thing that I would change. Because you're amazing just the way you are." 

I have to admit, I did some vandalizing today. I wrote these lyrics on the bathroom wall in the bowling alley. Whoops. 

I made one goal at the beginning of the summer when I actually gave my life to God and fell deeply in love with Him. My goal was to tell 5 or more people something encouraging every day. I love getting encouragement. I think most people do.

 So today, I shall keep it short. 

You're amazing JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! 

Love,

Bee(:

...Surrender...

Just last weekend, I went on a youth retreat with the church I go to. My life had been so busy and I didn’t want to go. It’s been a really busy few weeks for me, so I struggled with the idea of “giving up” a weekend… but finally decided that I needed to give my time to God more than to anything else.

What officially won over my indecisive mind was when I heard what the topic of the retreat was…

Surrender.

Though surrender is not a word that I’ve spent much time dwelling on, I knew it was exactly what my heart needed in so many ways right now. I’ve been a bit overwhelmed and stressed about some life things that are bigger than I can take on alone, and I knew I needed to do give them over to better Hands.

This, of course, takes trust… which is something I am very selective about. I’ve discovered that I only trust people that I fully understand and know. I have a hard time trusting someone who I don’t “get” completely. Do you ever feel that way?

Lately, more than ever, I’ve been seeing new dimensions of God that I never have before. It’s not only shaken my understanding of who He is, but how He works. While this is good and something I want continually… it also brings about a strange sense of confusion that begs to be sifted through and reconciled. All this to say, as my understanding of Him was shaken… so was my trust.

This idea of “surrender” is a scary thing. In some ways, it can seem like defeat… giving up… or loosing what is so dear. But with God, surrender isn’t about losing. Surrender, really, is about giving everything to God… in order to gain something better.

God promises that.

While I can’t even begin to explain the journey that God took me on that weekend… I will say that the chains that I entered the retreat with were completely broken by the time I left. God reminded me that He IS the same yesterday, today and tomorrow… and ALWAYS loves us, wants the best for us and has a plan for us.

Surrender is hard. I gave Him things that are the dearest, most precious to my heart. But you know what? I’m free now. I trust that the Hands I gave them to will bring immeasurably more.

Are you holding anything behind your back with fingers clenched? God sees it. You feel it. Maybe it’s time to surrender what you cannot keep… so you can gain what you cannot lose.

["Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." Psalm 37:4-6]

Love,

Bee(: