Gone

It's sad when the person you love just runs off. That's what Bee did. She gave up. She left good ole Tennessee. She went to live with her dad. She hated her mom anyway. It's sad, though. She was my best friend. She didn't even tell me she was leaving. She sent me a letter in the mail yesterday and the first thing that was written on it was 'I've always loved you. I just need to start over.'

I've cried for a good week now, ever since she left. She ended the note she left me by saying 'Even though I am a failure at making a difference in this world, maybe you can.' After that was the username and the password for this blog. I've decided to take over until Bee gets her life in order.

It's taken me a while to get used to the fact that I'm actually going to be posting stuff on this site. I've just now decided that I actually can do it and that it's probably what Bee wants me to do.

I don't know how it works. I don't think my writing can compare to that of Bee's. I could write random stuff and I don't think it would be anywhere close to being as good as Bee's was.

I have hope that sometime in the future Bee will be back and she will succeed at changing the lives of the people that take the time to read this blog. I read all of her posts today and I am still convinced that nothing compares to the works of Bee. I might not write as well as her, but I can try. I am doing this for Bee and hopefully by doing this, I will become closer to her.

Bee, if you're out there reading this and keeping up with what I plan to post on it, I want you to know that I've always loved you too. You are my life. I didn't ge to say goodbye, but for now I will say "See you later."

I'll end it like Bee always does.

Love,
Conner

Eye-Opening and Life-Changing

I’ve been told my entire life to never take anything for granted. Time after time  I would go on church trips and the saying “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” has been nailed into my brain. I’ve never really paid any attention to the quote. I’ve never had a reason too. I’ve spent the past few hours in the hospital and it’s given me a reason to really pay attention to that saying.

            A few weeks ago my great grandmother broke her hip when she fell in the nursing home. They took her to the ER and she had hip surgery. She had been recovering for two weeks and she was healing pretty well. She was out of it, though. She didn’t recognize any of her children, grandchildren, or great-grand children. I would sit for hours with her at the home she was staying at. I would listen to her crazy stories about how she went to West Tennessee and she almost missed the bus back home. My great-grandmother and I have always been pretty close and when my mom got the phone call this morning that she was being rushed to the ER, I was surprised. It turns out that she was unresponsive, she was shaking uncontrollably and randomly twitching, and she had no control over her body movements or bowels. My mother immediately took me to the hospital so we could be with her.

            We watched as my great-grandmother’s blood pressure shot from really low to really high – never normal for someone her age. We watched as she shook in pain, angry at herself that she could not make her shaking and twitching stop. We watched as she cursed, not knowing where she was. We watched as my grandfather bawled because his mother was in so much pain.

            So far we know that she has pneumonia in her left lung, has some sort of unknown infection in her body, and she will have to stay at the hospital until Wednesday. If she shows improvement, she will go back to that oh-so-smelly nursing home that she hates. If she shows no improvement, she’ll have to stay in the hospital.

            I’ll never forget the one thing she told me before she ever broke her hip. She said, “I don’t care where I am, my life will always be miserable. All I can do is trust in God and know that when we die, He will be waiting for us with open arms.”

            The thought that I could lose my favorite person in the entire world just breaks me. I hope and pray that she gets better. I don’t want her to die.

            All in all, this has been a very eye-opening, life-changing experience for me.

            Love, Bee.

 Have you ever had an eye-opening, life-changing experience? Tell me about it. 

A Random Compliment...

I haven’t blogged in a week or so because I’ve been angry. I don’t like writing when I’m angry. What made me so angry? I don’t have an answer to that question. I’ve hated life for the past few days. Absolutely hated it. I wanted to quit reality and stay in my room forever. But, that couldn’t happen because of school.

            School saved me. The one thing that made me feel happier about life was a compliment. A simple compliment from a random girl. She went out of her way to compliment me, out of all people. She walked over to my lunch table, stood across from me, and said, “You’re really pretty.” I’d never talked to her. She’s one of those girls that looks kind of snobby and doesn’t talk to any underclassmen.

            Being told I was pretty really lifted my spirits for some reason. That was yesterday, and today I’m in a much better mood than I have been in the past week.

            I’m keeping it short today, but I promise to write more soon!

What’s been going on in your life recently?

Love, Bee! 

What's on Your Mind?

I haven't asked a question for those of you that actually read these things to answer. I realize that the whole point of this blog was to let your voice be heard. It was supposed to be a place for people to come and just talk. Lately, I've just been venting about my opinion on things. (Sorry if that bored you.) So now, I shall post a blog that has a question for you to answer. 

If you have a Facebook, you know that there is a box that says "What's on Your Mind"? Here is where you can post your status. Some people like to post their status every time they move. Some people post lyrics to their favorite song. Some people barely ever change their status. 

I think that the question "What's on Your Mind" is a great question. I don't ever change my status because I don't want people to know what's really on my mind. I usually have a lot on my mind and I don't think people really have the time to sit around and read every single thing that is on my mind.

So, What's on your mind? 

If Perfect is What You're Searching For, Then Just Stay the Same.

"There's not a thing that I would change. Because you're amazing just the way you are." 

I have to admit, I did some vandalizing today. I wrote these lyrics on the bathroom wall in the bowling alley. Whoops. 

I made one goal at the beginning of the summer when I actually gave my life to God and fell deeply in love with Him. My goal was to tell 5 or more people something encouraging every day. I love getting encouragement. I think most people do.

 So today, I shall keep it short. 

You're amazing JUST THE WAY YOU ARE! 

Love,

Bee(:

...Surrender...

Just last weekend, I went on a youth retreat with the church I go to. My life had been so busy and I didn’t want to go. It’s been a really busy few weeks for me, so I struggled with the idea of “giving up” a weekend… but finally decided that I needed to give my time to God more than to anything else.

What officially won over my indecisive mind was when I heard what the topic of the retreat was…

Surrender.

Though surrender is not a word that I’ve spent much time dwelling on, I knew it was exactly what my heart needed in so many ways right now. I’ve been a bit overwhelmed and stressed about some life things that are bigger than I can take on alone, and I knew I needed to do give them over to better Hands.

This, of course, takes trust… which is something I am very selective about. I’ve discovered that I only trust people that I fully understand and know. I have a hard time trusting someone who I don’t “get” completely. Do you ever feel that way?

Lately, more than ever, I’ve been seeing new dimensions of God that I never have before. It’s not only shaken my understanding of who He is, but how He works. While this is good and something I want continually… it also brings about a strange sense of confusion that begs to be sifted through and reconciled. All this to say, as my understanding of Him was shaken… so was my trust.

This idea of “surrender” is a scary thing. In some ways, it can seem like defeat… giving up… or loosing what is so dear. But with God, surrender isn’t about losing. Surrender, really, is about giving everything to God… in order to gain something better.

God promises that.

While I can’t even begin to explain the journey that God took me on that weekend… I will say that the chains that I entered the retreat with were completely broken by the time I left. God reminded me that He IS the same yesterday, today and tomorrow… and ALWAYS loves us, wants the best for us and has a plan for us.

Surrender is hard. I gave Him things that are the dearest, most precious to my heart. But you know what? I’m free now. I trust that the Hands I gave them to will bring immeasurably more.

Are you holding anything behind your back with fingers clenched? God sees it. You feel it. Maybe it’s time to surrender what you cannot keep… so you can gain what you cannot lose.

["Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." Psalm 37:4-6]

Love,

Bee(:

If This Doesn't Make Your Jaw Drop...

I haven’t blogged in a while. Honestly, I have just been so busy that I haven’t had the time to.  I have so much homework and my home life is just so hectic, that I can barely find time to even sit down and breathe. I’m on student council at my school. Currently, we’ve been working on getting homecoming together and all sorts of things that have to do with that. (I will be so happy when homecoming is over and I don’t have to worry about making a float and getting it to school on time.) I finally got a little bit of free time the other day and I spent it with my best friend that I haven’t seen in a  year.

We were hanging out the other night at her house, just talking and catching up on some of what we had been up to this summer. Somehow we began looking up some youtube videos of different artists and bands. Eventually, we landed on one video that I hadn’t seen before from one of the most popular artists right now. Can I just tell you that we were appalled? As our jaws dropped, we couldn’t believe that what we were watching had actually been released as a public, new music video! It was beyond disgusting. More like, disturbing. Is this supposed to be the new “norm”?

As young people, we don’t have the benefit of ever really getting to see the world in a purer form than it is in now. Frankly, culture has been pretty twisted ever since we’ve known it. Morals and values haven’t been popular or  held in high esteem as long as we’ve known them. In that case, it could be easy to say about our culture, “that’s just the way it is” or “that’s how it’s always been”. Actually… it’s not.

Believe it or not, there was a time when modesty was the applauded standard. When purity was across the board encouraged. When people were expected to hold themselves with dignity and decency. Were there people who strayed from this? Of course! But it wasn’t broadcasted like it is today – and certainly not glorified!

Just because you and I have grown up in a world where indecency, provocativeness, unfaithfulness and filth is “normal”, doesn’t mean that we should become at all used to it. If we let ourselves become numb to these things, all the lines of right and wrong will be blurred.

The Bible says,

“Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.” 2 Timothy 2:22

“… Do not share in the sins of others. Keep yourself pure.” 1 Timothy 5:22

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Proverbs 4:23

“The goal of this command is love, which comes from a pure conscience and a sincere faith.” 1 Timothy 1:5

** “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17

I found it interesting, particularly in the last two verses, that love and wisdom were first of all defined by being pure. And I’m not just talking about the “True Love Waits” kind of pure. I’m talking about our mind… our heart… our motives being pure.

Scripture puts it best here as it says, “Finally, brothers,whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

This is what is to be in our heart!

When we are polluted by the world, we are diluted in our role for the Kingdom of God.As the ways and mindset of the world sets in, it pushes out the power and wisdom that comes from wholly walking with our Lord.

Take the time to examine your heart. Ask God to show you any areas that you have perhaps become numb and haven’t even realized. I’ve been amazed as I’ve done this as well.

Let the things that drop our jaw be the things that are actually beautiful…

a pure heart.

Living in the Footsteps of a Straight-A, Homecoming Queen.

I am constantly compared to my older sister. She’s smart (a straight A student), she’s somewhat athletic, and she’s been on the Homecoming Court two years in a row. I really wanted to be on it this year. I was like “This is gonna be the year, V!” (V – My best friend at school.) Too bad it was not the year. I didn’t make it onto the Homecoming Court; I didn’t even make it onto the Homecoming Ballot.

I guess I just wanted to be on the Court to show people that I’m not the lame loser that sits in the back of the class and writes and plays Bubble Shooter all the time. I just wish I wasn’t so… quiet… at school. Because outside of school, I’m not quiet at all. I’m loud and I can be obnoxious.

I don’t know why I shut down in school. It’s like, I get around these people and I can’t even form an actual sentence. It’s ridiculous and somewhat embarrassing.

I occasionally tell myself I’m not pretty enough, I’m too fat,  I have no friends, I will never amount to anything in life, if I want to make it somewhere in life then I need to be more like my sister… But then I am reminded that the outward appearance doesn’t matter, I do have a friend and that is God, I will amount to something in life because God has a plan for me and that plan is bound to be awesome. 

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been really busy. I have tons of schoolwork I have to do. Also, I have to practice golf (one of my many interests). I really have been meaning to post something sooner than now.

I have many drafts on here of blogs that I have started and not posted because I thought they were pointless or because I was stuck and had nothing else to say and it was just plain old confusing. But, today I am going to finish a blog.

Have you ever had a certain word stuck in your head? This week, the word that is stuck in my hand just so happens to be "escape". When I say escape, I mean a way to get away from reality. If that makes any sense...
But anyways, for me, when reality is too stressful for me and when I get absolutely fed up with what's going on in my life, I listen to music. as loud as it will go. In my opinion, the louder the music is, the better. It's my escape from life. Sometimes, I write. Like right now, as I write this, I am listening to RelientK (the best band ever, in my opinion) as loud as my iPod will allow it to go, and writing this. I'm escaping reality because I am too stressed with all the things going on in my life.

As I write this, I listen to the song "Be My Escape" by RelientK. I feel it kind of relates to what I'm about to say.

Sometimes, I block God out too. When I don't want to hear what God is telling me, when I don't want to see what He is throwing in my face, I block him out with music. I put headphones in and basically say "I don't care what You have to say to me or what You have to show me, I want to live my life my own way." This is wrong and I understand that.  But, I'm changing that.


I have listened to this song a million times in my life and it just now has a meaning to me. In other words, I've just now actually listened to the lyrics and I've just now realized what they're saying. 
So now, I post the lyrics and I hope you take the time to read them and comprehend them. Because they changed the way I am and they might do the same for you. 


I've given up on giving up slowly
I'm blending in so you won't even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
And this one last bullet you mention
Is my one last shot at redemption
'Cause I know to live you must give your life away
And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going because
I got to get out of here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape
I've given up on doing this alone now
'Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
You’ve told me the way, and now I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit, that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
'Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going because
I got to get out of here
’Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can't ask you to give what you already gave
'Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity
And I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though there's no way of knowing where to go
I promise I'm going because
I got to get out of here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I got to get out of here
And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape
I fought you for so long
I should have let you win
Oh, how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
Oh, but so were you
So were you 


So today, I ask those of you that actually read this: What is your Escape from reality? 


Well, sorry if this was boring and long, but it was something I felt I needed to write about.

Love, Bee.

P.S: If you have never ever ever heard RelientK, go listen to them now. (: 

Todays Secret...

August 24, 2010

Today, I got onto my blog. After a few days of no one finding or commenting on my blog and the one friends I actually told about this site telling me I was stupid for thinking I could get anywhere with this blog, I was ready to quit. I was tired of being discouraged and put down because I wanted to find people like me -- people that have secrets that they can't share with their own friends and family, people that want their secret to be heard. I had a dream to help people and I thought posting a blog would help. The one friend I told, my best friend, kept putting me down. I hated it.

Finally today, I logged in and checked to see if anyone had seen this. I saw that a person (Blah) had commented on my blog. I was overjoyed to see that I was in fact getting somewhere with this. I just have to take baby steps to make it big and not get discouraged so easily.

So, the question for this blog is: When was the last time you were discouraged and just wanted to give up on everything? What happened? What did it make you feel like?

August 22, 2010

Well, it's been a rough week. It was the first full week of school. That monday night, my best friend's (we'll call her S) friend from school committed suicide. I didn't know him, but because she was affected, I was affected. S cried almost every day. She told me that he was one of the happiest people she knew -- that he was always laughing. He graduated from high school in the spring of this year. He had gone to college for a few days and the Friday night before he killed himself, he went to the fair with S and a group from her school. It turns out that he just hung out with them to tell them goodbye. I've been told that he shot himself in the chest -- and this is not the easiest way to kill yourself because you might not die instantly... so I'm thinking he didn't really want to die, but what do I know? Anyways, the guy that killed himself didn't want to leave his friends and have to go to college -- or at least that's what I have been told. The guy had tons of friends that were affected. 

So my question for today is: Have you ever been affected by someone that has committed suicide? 

The First Blog. (:

I started this blog because I feel like people need a place to go to talk to other people with similar secrets. The website Sixbillionsecrets.com inspired me to start writing. That website has tons of anonymous posts about people that have relationship and family issues, are suicidal, were molested when they were younger, or just have a bad life. I am hoping to get this blog up and running soon. I don't really know exactly how to do what I want to do on here... but I'm going to try it out for a few weeks. If I get good feedback, hopefully I will keep this up and running.
So to start this stuff off, I'm gonna ask you guys to comment on this post and tell me what your secret is...

Love,
Bee